• Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!
• Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.
• Elias: I don't really want to hear this Randal.
• Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!
• Elias: You know I don't like to talk about dark forces Randal.
• Randal Graves: Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!
• Jay: Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday site
• Randal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.
• Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!
• Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!

You're just trying to scrape out a living.

• Randal: There was something else going on in Jedi. I never noticed it 'til today. They build another Death Star, right?
• Dante: Yeah.
• Randal: Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the rebels destroyed it.
• Dante: Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit's due.
• Randal: And the second one was still being built when they blew it up.
• Dante: Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
• Randal: Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my finger on it, but something just wasn't right.
• Dante: And you figured it out.
• Randal: The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial army. The only people on board were Storm troopers, Dignitaries, Imperialists.
• Dante: Basically.
• Randal: So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
• Dante: And the second time around?
• Randal: The second time around it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.
• Dante: So?
• Randal: So, a construction job of that magnitude would require a hell of lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet they brought independent contractors in on that thing. Plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers...
• Dante: Not just Imperialists. Is that what you're getting at?
• Randal: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly, they'd hire anybody that could do the job. You think the average Storm Trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All's they know is killing and white uniforms.
• Dante: Alright, so, they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset at it's destruction.
• Randal: All those innocent contractors brought in to do the job are killed, casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. Alright, look, you a roofer. Some juicy government contract comes your way. You got a wife and kids, the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract which means all sorts of benefits. Along come these left-wing militants who blast everything within a three-mile radius with their lasers. You didn't ask for that; you had no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

• [A customer approaches Elias at the counter]
• Hobbit fan: Hey man.
• [Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order]
• Elias: Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?
• Hobbit fan: Yeah, um... See... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf and an order of onion rings. Thanks.
• [Elias keys in the order]
• Elias: One ring to rule them all.
• [Surprised look on the customer's face]
• Hobbit fan: One ring to find them.
• Randal: Oh, Jesus.
• [Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace]
• Elias: One ring to bring them all.
• Hobbit fan: And in the darkness, bind them.
• [Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket]
• Elias: Yes!
• Hobbit fan: Dude!
• [Exchanges high-five with customer]
• Elias: How many times?
• Hobbit fan: Well, um, three for Fellowship, two for Towers, four for Return.
• Elias: Five for Return.
• [Randal walks by them]
• Randal: All right, look... There's only one Return, okay? And it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi.
• Hobbit fan: Oh... Star Wars geek.
• Randal: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your "preciouses".
• Elias: You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.
• Randal: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.
• Hobbit fan: You know what? Maybe we should start calling your friend "Padme", because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? Hey - [impersonating a robot] Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!
• Elias: Yeah, you're crazy, Jar Jar!
• Randal: I'm crazy? Those fucking Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano. Here's the first movie...
• [Randal jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter]
• Randal: And here's the second movie...
• [Randal does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter]
• Hobbit fan: He is way off. Loser.
• Randal: You ready for the third movie?
• [Randal does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger and drops it as two other customers watch him while eating]
• Customer A: Fucking A.
• Randal: Even the fucking trees walked in those movies.
• Hobbit fan: You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even the Academy recognized them that they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar - an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never - and will never - win. Bones.
• [Exchanges fist salute with Elias]
• Elias: Oh, sick burn.
• Randal: Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.
• Elias: What's the logical closure point?
• Hobbit fan: Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.
• Randal: When fucking Fredo wakes up from his little coma or whatever and the little Hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed. And Sam leans in the doorway and gives him that very fucking gay look.
• Elias: Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.
• Hobbit fan: I'm gonna kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.
• Randal: That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.
• Hobbit fan: Hey! Faggot! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.
• Randal: And then right after the Sam/Frodo suck-fest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.
• Hobbit fan: I swear... Fuck you...!
• [Hobbit fan suddenly vomits. Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing.]
• Randal: I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?